You know what sucks? Getting older. Except not really. Except yeah it does. But anyways, I'm not old, so I can't talk a lot of shit, but I am at a point in my life where I can see how my life is starting to change from when I was 18. And the thing is that, when you're 18, you don't believe all the stuff people tell you about growing up. You just think you're going to be the exception to every rule and live forever. Well, that ain't gonna happen. And yes, all the myths about growing up are true; you gain weight way easier, you panic about your future, you get freaked out when you see a kid you used to babysit twerking.
But really and truly, the number one realest thing about growing up is that you realize, every year, how much you're constantly growing and maturing, and how much more you know now. You know that saying, 'If only I would've known then what I do now'? That's the realest shit.
We're all just learning, floating along, trying to do things the right way, trying to follow our brains and our hearts to lead us to success. But what is the ultimate goal really?
The sad thing as humans is that we don't really know what we're working towards. If I could have a picture of me 30 years from now, settled in life and content with how it turned out, that would be nice, that would give me purpose, make me feel like everything is gona be all right. But its not happening, because I literally don't know if I'm going to live to see the next 30 years.
I look back on my life even just a year ago and basically everything has changed. And I have no idea where it's going. I just keep going and hoping that I am doing the right things and that I am on the path to happiness. And that's all you can really do at the end of the day. And try to have some fun along the way.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
Love is a battlefield
Do you know how to realize whether you're deeply in love with someone? If you want to put their head in a toilet and flush it, you're well on your way!
Seriously, haven't you noticed that the people you love the most are also the people you want to punch the most? They are the people you feel comfortable yelling at, and often, the people you hurt the most. Why? Because you feel that their love is unconditional. You know that *sometimes you have to battle it out to end the war and live, for a little while at least, in peace.
But how do you determine when to bring the big guns out, and when to put the clip back in the bomb? Ok, maybe you can't exactly do that, but you know what I'm sayin.
Well, I'm no relationship expert, and no where near perfect in my relationship, but I can say that looking back at my crazy ass self 5 years ago, I have definitely grown in maturity, and see things in a more healthy light now.
So I am going to outline my points by using examples of Old versus New Bea,
1) Old Bea:
If a guy said something she didn't like, no matter how stupid and insignificant, she would NOT let it go. Like seriously, what the hell did he mean by "I'll let you know if I can hang out this weekend"???? Like what, he'll only hang out with me if there's nothing better for him to do? He won't change his schedule around for me? He won't try to fit me into his life? OH, SO I'M NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO HIM? Literally, the exact words were dissected down to their etymology, the meaning analyzed like a research project, and the intention studied and felt telepathically through his energy streams.
New Bea:
Just like that annoying ass song that kids and fat old men love to sing, she has learned to LET IT GOOOOOOO. Of course she still has moments where she's thinking about things that he said that rubbed her the wrong way or were confusing, but the difference is that a) she can think about it logically and reason whether it really is significant and b) if she decides it is significant, she can just have an adult conversation about what is bothering her and why. And in all honesty, ain't nobody got time to get mad at all that shit.
2) Old Bea:
If Old Bea was mad, she got MAD. She would lose her temper, yelling at the top of her lungs, threatening to throw his Call of Duty out the window. This usually resulted in him saying she was a crazy bitch, because she was acting like one, and not actually resolving the issue, just having him do anything to shut her up.
New Bea:
She realizes that a guy is not even going to listen to her once she starts the yelling and the dramatic spectacles. She knows the way to actually get a guy to listen and care about what's bothering her is by withholding sex...jk, kind of...of course I meant by having a real conversation. This entails explaining and giving SPECIFIC examples about the issue, as well as giving solutions to how to make her feel better. This way, the guy can fully understand her point of view and the things she needs. Also, timing. It might not be the best idea to bring it up when he just came home from work and just wants to unwind. But not everything has to be a 'serious' talk, sometimes new Bea uses the power of laughter to get her point across. If your guy makes a joke about the way you look, you can throw in something like, "Well, we can't all be super models like you" (optional winky face) to just keep the situation light.
3) Old Bea:
Old Bea knew that, above everything else, the most important thing about a fight is WINNING. Whether it was a critical debate on the Crimean War, to the importance of putting the toilet seat down, all that Old Bea knew was that she had to be RIGHT. What was actually being fought about lost any and all meaning and it just turned into a contest of how fast she could wear a guy down and get him to cave and apologize, no matter if he was right.
New Bea:
New Bea hates fights. The only time she knows it is necessary to fight is if something is really wrong and needs to be hashed out. But she doesn't give a shit about 'winning' the fight, it's much more valuable to reach a conclusion to the fight where there is a compromise which makes both parties happy. She is willing to sometimes sacrifice winning for the other person's happiness, but is also firm in being heard and understood in issues that matter to her.
So, to sum up:
Old Bea was a bitch.
New Bea knows when to be a bitch.
Seriously, haven't you noticed that the people you love the most are also the people you want to punch the most? They are the people you feel comfortable yelling at, and often, the people you hurt the most. Why? Because you feel that their love is unconditional. You know that *sometimes you have to battle it out to end the war and live, for a little while at least, in peace.
But how do you determine when to bring the big guns out, and when to put the clip back in the bomb? Ok, maybe you can't exactly do that, but you know what I'm sayin.
Well, I'm no relationship expert, and no where near perfect in my relationship, but I can say that looking back at my crazy ass self 5 years ago, I have definitely grown in maturity, and see things in a more healthy light now.
So I am going to outline my points by using examples of Old versus New Bea,
1) Old Bea:
If a guy said something she didn't like, no matter how stupid and insignificant, she would NOT let it go. Like seriously, what the hell did he mean by "I'll let you know if I can hang out this weekend"???? Like what, he'll only hang out with me if there's nothing better for him to do? He won't change his schedule around for me? He won't try to fit me into his life? OH, SO I'M NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO HIM? Literally, the exact words were dissected down to their etymology, the meaning analyzed like a research project, and the intention studied and felt telepathically through his energy streams.
New Bea:
Just like that annoying ass song that kids and fat old men love to sing, she has learned to LET IT GOOOOOOO. Of course she still has moments where she's thinking about things that he said that rubbed her the wrong way or were confusing, but the difference is that a) she can think about it logically and reason whether it really is significant and b) if she decides it is significant, she can just have an adult conversation about what is bothering her and why. And in all honesty, ain't nobody got time to get mad at all that shit.
2) Old Bea:
If Old Bea was mad, she got MAD. She would lose her temper, yelling at the top of her lungs, threatening to throw his Call of Duty out the window. This usually resulted in him saying she was a crazy bitch, because she was acting like one, and not actually resolving the issue, just having him do anything to shut her up.
New Bea:
She realizes that a guy is not even going to listen to her once she starts the yelling and the dramatic spectacles. She knows the way to actually get a guy to listen and care about what's bothering her is by withholding sex...jk, kind of...of course I meant by having a real conversation. This entails explaining and giving SPECIFIC examples about the issue, as well as giving solutions to how to make her feel better. This way, the guy can fully understand her point of view and the things she needs. Also, timing. It might not be the best idea to bring it up when he just came home from work and just wants to unwind. But not everything has to be a 'serious' talk, sometimes new Bea uses the power of laughter to get her point across. If your guy makes a joke about the way you look, you can throw in something like, "Well, we can't all be super models like you" (optional winky face) to just keep the situation light.
3) Old Bea:
Old Bea knew that, above everything else, the most important thing about a fight is WINNING. Whether it was a critical debate on the Crimean War, to the importance of putting the toilet seat down, all that Old Bea knew was that she had to be RIGHT. What was actually being fought about lost any and all meaning and it just turned into a contest of how fast she could wear a guy down and get him to cave and apologize, no matter if he was right.
New Bea:
New Bea hates fights. The only time she knows it is necessary to fight is if something is really wrong and needs to be hashed out. But she doesn't give a shit about 'winning' the fight, it's much more valuable to reach a conclusion to the fight where there is a compromise which makes both parties happy. She is willing to sometimes sacrifice winning for the other person's happiness, but is also firm in being heard and understood in issues that matter to her.
So, to sum up:
Old Bea was a bitch.
New Bea knows when to be a bitch.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Mind over love?
In matters of the heart, what is it that you think with more?
One of my favourite quotes is:
“It's a most distressing affliction to have a sentimental heart and a skeptical mind.”
As humans, we are equipped with a heart and a brain, that go much beyond their physical capacities. The concept of 'thinking with your brain' is seen as using a logical, calculated thought process, while 'thinking with your heart' is all about warm, fuzzy sentiments.
As a society, we see women as the weaker sex. Why? Well, for one, we are *usually* physically weaker, ya got me there. But more importantly, women are believed to be more emotionally guided, which of course is a load of horse shit. Countless studies have found that men are in fact more emotional, but are much less open to admitting their emotions, because it is seen as a weakness in our society. Sad.
In a nutshell, men are supposed to think more with their brains, women with their hearts.
And again, following the theme that men are superior, it is also widely regarded that logical thinking is superior to 'following your heart and shit'. Why? Because emotions are associated with women, which are inferior. Duh.
Or is that really the case?
Well, here's the thing; you need your brain in a relationship. You need to plan and calculate, reason with your partner in arguments, think about the next steps and how to get there, and sadly, sometimes you need your brain to reason with you when it's better to walk away. I am not saying that any of this isn't important, but guess what?
The human body can live without a brain, never without a heart.
The brain is the most complex processing unit of all time; everything that man has been able to achieve has been created by a brain. It is such a complicated mechanism that we have barely scratched the surface in understanding it. On the other hand, the heart is simple as fuck. It has one task and one task only; pump that blood! Seems easy enough, but the reality is that this one little organ's one and only job is to keep us alive constantly, and it can never stop it's job or we're dead. And that's my idea of love. Without love you are dead.
I follow my heart because it's the purest form of truth we have. You can't tell your heart what to feel, just like you can't tell your heart who to love.
Because love isn't a matter of the brain. It is not logical and you cannot explain it. I cannot calculate and use logical thinking to reason about why I love someone. I don't know why; I just do.
And honestly, that's all you need to know for certain. As long as you feel it in your heart, the brain can figure everything else out.
One of my favourite quotes is:
“It's a most distressing affliction to have a sentimental heart and a skeptical mind.”
As humans, we are equipped with a heart and a brain, that go much beyond their physical capacities. The concept of 'thinking with your brain' is seen as using a logical, calculated thought process, while 'thinking with your heart' is all about warm, fuzzy sentiments.
As a society, we see women as the weaker sex. Why? Well, for one, we are *usually* physically weaker, ya got me there. But more importantly, women are believed to be more emotionally guided, which of course is a load of horse shit. Countless studies have found that men are in fact more emotional, but are much less open to admitting their emotions, because it is seen as a weakness in our society. Sad.
In a nutshell, men are supposed to think more with their brains, women with their hearts.
And again, following the theme that men are superior, it is also widely regarded that logical thinking is superior to 'following your heart and shit'. Why? Because emotions are associated with women, which are inferior. Duh.
Or is that really the case?
Well, here's the thing; you need your brain in a relationship. You need to plan and calculate, reason with your partner in arguments, think about the next steps and how to get there, and sadly, sometimes you need your brain to reason with you when it's better to walk away. I am not saying that any of this isn't important, but guess what?
The human body can live without a brain, never without a heart.
The brain is the most complex processing unit of all time; everything that man has been able to achieve has been created by a brain. It is such a complicated mechanism that we have barely scratched the surface in understanding it. On the other hand, the heart is simple as fuck. It has one task and one task only; pump that blood! Seems easy enough, but the reality is that this one little organ's one and only job is to keep us alive constantly, and it can never stop it's job or we're dead. And that's my idea of love. Without love you are dead.
I follow my heart because it's the purest form of truth we have. You can't tell your heart what to feel, just like you can't tell your heart who to love.
Because love isn't a matter of the brain. It is not logical and you cannot explain it. I cannot calculate and use logical thinking to reason about why I love someone. I don't know why; I just do.
And honestly, that's all you need to know for certain. As long as you feel it in your heart, the brain can figure everything else out.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Cool girl
So I, like many, have recently gone to see Gone Girl, the creepy mystery thriller about a batshit crazy wife who frames her husband for murder, but then changes her mind and realizes they are soulmates, based on the fact that he knew exactly what to say to make her come back so he could kill her.
All sarcasm aside, great movie. Even better book. The difference between the movie and the book is that the book ends off somewhat different. At the end of the book, Amy asks Nick why he is so wonderful to her. Nick responds that it is because he feels sorry for her, because everyday she has to wake up and be her. Amy then says she wishes he didn't say that, and that she's glad she got the last word. She's earned it.
What does this ending mean?
In my opinion, it means that she is being retributive God again, and she must punish him for what he's said. She can either do this by killing him, and silencing him, or by killing herself, and the only thing he truly loves, his baby. I think the latter makes more sense in how fucked up she is, but then again she loves herself too much to kill herself. She doesn't think she deserves it.
But the really messed up thing is that all of this happened because of what? Because of marriage, or rather, the crazy shit people do to get someone to like them. This movie actually touches on both men and women changing themselves to be 'worthy' of the other person, but as I am a girl, I will speak to it from my girl standpoint.
By the by, isn't it kind of weird how a girl can call herself a girl no problem, but a guy would never call himself a 'boy'. I guess because girls like to feel like a young dumb innocent child? There's something pedophilic about it.
Back to the matter at hand. Have you ever seen that Friends episode, where Rachael doesn't know how to get that guy Joshua's attention and she tries everything to get him to like her? She was trying to be the 'cool girl'. The fantasy girl that all men drool over. Who is this girl? Well, she basically molds herself to whatever you want her to be. She's funny and witty, but never tries too hard at first, that's just desperate. She's independent and gives you all the space you need, no clinginess here. She let's you do inconsiderate dumb shit without so much as batting an eye lash, no naggy bitch necessary. She pretends she's not at all hurt when you act indifferent and don't return her love. Because its ok, she's cool.
Well, this bitch is whack.
I know, because I have tried to be this girl. I thought that's the natural thing you have to do in order to get a guy to like you; become a version of you that he would like. What an idiot. No.
Girls, ladies, bitches, for the love of God, stop doing this shit. Stop the madness.
You do not talk like a sexy kitten and naturally flip your hair 'coincidentally' as he catches a glimpse of you. You are not just fine with the fact that he treats you like an option all the time. Like you have to be the 'cool girl' to keep his attention.
I know, because I've been with a guy like that, and I've been with the real deal.
The real deal is really into YOU, and I mean the real you. He accepts that you're not always going to be flirty and hilarious and chill beyond belief, but at the same time, he has a way of naturally bringing the best side out of you. He makes you want to have a fun personality, because you are genuinely having fun. He is there for you when you are having an off day and being a bitch sometimes, and doesn't just attribute it to the fact that you are a woman and that's how they all act. In return, you understand when he's being a pissy brat when he's sick, or taking an hour to choose one damn movie to watch, because you're into him for real, and at the end of the day, no matter how much you push each other's buttons, life is always better with him in it. So go for that guy, trust me. Don't nag about every damn thing, but if something really hurt you, tell him, in an adult way. If he tries to understand you and find a solution to the problem, instead of being shocked that the cool girl facade wore off, he's good. And if you can genuinely be yourself around him, flaws and all, you're good. And if you're not, well, I guess all the cool kids are doing it.
All sarcasm aside, great movie. Even better book. The difference between the movie and the book is that the book ends off somewhat different. At the end of the book, Amy asks Nick why he is so wonderful to her. Nick responds that it is because he feels sorry for her, because everyday she has to wake up and be her. Amy then says she wishes he didn't say that, and that she's glad she got the last word. She's earned it.
What does this ending mean?
In my opinion, it means that she is being retributive God again, and she must punish him for what he's said. She can either do this by killing him, and silencing him, or by killing herself, and the only thing he truly loves, his baby. I think the latter makes more sense in how fucked up she is, but then again she loves herself too much to kill herself. She doesn't think she deserves it.
But the really messed up thing is that all of this happened because of what? Because of marriage, or rather, the crazy shit people do to get someone to like them. This movie actually touches on both men and women changing themselves to be 'worthy' of the other person, but as I am a girl, I will speak to it from my girl standpoint.
By the by, isn't it kind of weird how a girl can call herself a girl no problem, but a guy would never call himself a 'boy'. I guess because girls like to feel like a young dumb innocent child? There's something pedophilic about it.
Back to the matter at hand. Have you ever seen that Friends episode, where Rachael doesn't know how to get that guy Joshua's attention and she tries everything to get him to like her? She was trying to be the 'cool girl'. The fantasy girl that all men drool over. Who is this girl? Well, she basically molds herself to whatever you want her to be. She's funny and witty, but never tries too hard at first, that's just desperate. She's independent and gives you all the space you need, no clinginess here. She let's you do inconsiderate dumb shit without so much as batting an eye lash, no naggy bitch necessary. She pretends she's not at all hurt when you act indifferent and don't return her love. Because its ok, she's cool.
Well, this bitch is whack.
I know, because I have tried to be this girl. I thought that's the natural thing you have to do in order to get a guy to like you; become a version of you that he would like. What an idiot. No.
Girls, ladies, bitches, for the love of God, stop doing this shit. Stop the madness.
You do not talk like a sexy kitten and naturally flip your hair 'coincidentally' as he catches a glimpse of you. You are not just fine with the fact that he treats you like an option all the time. Like you have to be the 'cool girl' to keep his attention.
I know, because I've been with a guy like that, and I've been with the real deal.
The real deal is really into YOU, and I mean the real you. He accepts that you're not always going to be flirty and hilarious and chill beyond belief, but at the same time, he has a way of naturally bringing the best side out of you. He makes you want to have a fun personality, because you are genuinely having fun. He is there for you when you are having an off day and being a bitch sometimes, and doesn't just attribute it to the fact that you are a woman and that's how they all act. In return, you understand when he's being a pissy brat when he's sick, or taking an hour to choose one damn movie to watch, because you're into him for real, and at the end of the day, no matter how much you push each other's buttons, life is always better with him in it. So go for that guy, trust me. Don't nag about every damn thing, but if something really hurt you, tell him, in an adult way. If he tries to understand you and find a solution to the problem, instead of being shocked that the cool girl facade wore off, he's good. And if you can genuinely be yourself around him, flaws and all, you're good. And if you're not, well, I guess all the cool kids are doing it.
Monday, September 29, 2014
The Power of Positive
I'm going to say something that you would probably never say out loud because it makes you seem way less attractive and successful; I am naturally a negative person.
I am. Half way empty all the way. I expect bad things to happen and, when they do happen, I dwell on them like it's my job.
When did this start? I don't know; somewhere in my childhood. We struggled a lot when we came to Canada. My mom was also a natural worrier and negative person, and she was having a really tough time adjusting to life here and finding a job, since she didn't know English and her degree wasn't recognized here. Her unhappiness pissed my dad off, since he loved to remind her of how ungrateful she was to him for bringing us here to have a better life. This all resulted in constant fighting, which affected me. And of course I didn't have any siblings to talk to or distract me; I was very aware of the negativity.
And I guess I have been let down so many times that I just expect it. The thing is that, I think it hurts so much more to be let down when you really didn't see it coming, than when you were expecting it. And so I came to just naturally expect bad things to happen, as a defense mechanism. And then if something good actually happened, that was just a bonus.
But surprisingly, Canadian society doesn't much appreciate my acceptance that everything and everyone in my life is against me and out to destroy me.
Recently, I asked one of my Canadian friends how she dealt with her break-up. Now, this break-up was bad. Not just a 'ran-its-course' amicable separation. She had been with this guy for 5 years, and he told her he was saving up to buy her a ring. He was acting very strange for a couple of weeks, seemingly trying to avoid her by saying he's too busy to see her. Then one day, he told her he would come by her apartment after work because he needed to tell her something important. Optimistic, she thought, 'This was why he was acting so strangely; he's going to propose!' Because she's the type that expects good things to actually happen. She rushed home and got dressed to the nines, did her hair and make up beautifully, so they could take pictures and send them to their family and friends and Facebook announcing their engagement. She even told a couple of her friends and her sister that it looks like he's going to finally pop the big q!
Unfortunately, this was not the case. He got to her house, drunk and looking like a sewer rat. He said he had been a mess for the past few days, constantly drinking, because he couldn't face her. The important thing he had to tell her was that he slept with someone from work a few months ago, which he thought would be a one-night stand, but gradually has turned into more, and now he thinks he's in love with her. So no engagement, no ring, no Facebook envy, all that make up and curling your hair for NOTHING.
Ok so that's pretty fucking awful right? The soul-crushing kind of thing that makes you feel like there is no point in ever trusting anyone ever again, not that you ever could.
So I asked her how in the world she was able to get through this. By the way, I had never seen her destroyed about this. As I'm asking her this question, she looks completely at peace, sipping on her latte. She smiled, and said she was just positive.
"BUT HOW!" I wailed. "I mean seriously, I get that you are naturally optimistic, but when something like this happens, how can you seriously be upbeat about it?"
"I wasn't, obviously," she confessed, finally making me feel like she is 1/16th human. "I wanted to just lay in my bed under my covers, away from sunlight, and people, and real life. But I didn't let myself do that. I didn't let myself wallow in self-pity. I forced myself to get dressed up and go to work with a huge smile on my face, forcing myself to get through pain with laughter. I forced myself to believe that he is the dumbest idiot to have ever walked the face of the earth to leave me, and that I would find someone infinitely better than him who would appreciate me. I envisioned the life that I wanted, and I wanted to be happy, so I made myself be happy until one day, I really was."
Fascinating.
Fake it til you make it. What a theory. It's the same sort of idea as that Secret book thing.
So I figured why not? Let's try this. I decided I would be happy and positive, and tell myself that things are going great for me, and overlook what isn't.
And let me tell you, it's better than I expected. Because I expect bad things, get it? But seriously, these people may be on to something here, because I felt happier and good things really did happen to me. Now, it wasn't long until my negative nancy side kicked in; I guess old habits die hard.
But my point is, try this: list all the things in your life that you are happy about, and then smile. And then think about something you're not happy with, and envision the way you want it to be. List the steps you need to take in order for you to achieve this. Now think of a step you can take right now, and plan to do it, and think about how this will be helpful. Remember, you are in control of your happiness, its not destiny, its your actions and attitude.
And here's another tip that's helped me: stop moaning to your friends and family and everyone who will listen about negative things in your life. Not only do you bring negative energy to them and are annoying as fuck, it's bringing you down as well. My girlfriends and I have a tendency to talk about our boy problems, and sometimes it does help to talk to someone for sure, but then other times it's just counter intuitive, because girls are bitchy and don't help the situation a lot of the time. So one day, I had a fight with my boyfriend and I was really sad and mad and felt like crying while eating a whole cheesecake, and my friend asked me how things were with him. I decided I didn't want to start this vicious cycle again, so I told her everything was really great and gushed about our weekend plans (unexistant) and she smiled and told me how awesome that was. And it just made me feel better. Like yeah, things are awesome, because I believe they are.
Now, I am not saying that doing something like that will make you feel amazingly happy, but guess what? It's better than continuing to be unhappy and negative. So instead of just accepting the things that are bad in your life, accept the fact that you can help yourself, and do it.
I am. Half way empty all the way. I expect bad things to happen and, when they do happen, I dwell on them like it's my job.
When did this start? I don't know; somewhere in my childhood. We struggled a lot when we came to Canada. My mom was also a natural worrier and negative person, and she was having a really tough time adjusting to life here and finding a job, since she didn't know English and her degree wasn't recognized here. Her unhappiness pissed my dad off, since he loved to remind her of how ungrateful she was to him for bringing us here to have a better life. This all resulted in constant fighting, which affected me. And of course I didn't have any siblings to talk to or distract me; I was very aware of the negativity.
And I guess I have been let down so many times that I just expect it. The thing is that, I think it hurts so much more to be let down when you really didn't see it coming, than when you were expecting it. And so I came to just naturally expect bad things to happen, as a defense mechanism. And then if something good actually happened, that was just a bonus.
But surprisingly, Canadian society doesn't much appreciate my acceptance that everything and everyone in my life is against me and out to destroy me.
Recently, I asked one of my Canadian friends how she dealt with her break-up. Now, this break-up was bad. Not just a 'ran-its-course' amicable separation. She had been with this guy for 5 years, and he told her he was saving up to buy her a ring. He was acting very strange for a couple of weeks, seemingly trying to avoid her by saying he's too busy to see her. Then one day, he told her he would come by her apartment after work because he needed to tell her something important. Optimistic, she thought, 'This was why he was acting so strangely; he's going to propose!' Because she's the type that expects good things to actually happen. She rushed home and got dressed to the nines, did her hair and make up beautifully, so they could take pictures and send them to their family and friends and Facebook announcing their engagement. She even told a couple of her friends and her sister that it looks like he's going to finally pop the big q!
Unfortunately, this was not the case. He got to her house, drunk and looking like a sewer rat. He said he had been a mess for the past few days, constantly drinking, because he couldn't face her. The important thing he had to tell her was that he slept with someone from work a few months ago, which he thought would be a one-night stand, but gradually has turned into more, and now he thinks he's in love with her. So no engagement, no ring, no Facebook envy, all that make up and curling your hair for NOTHING.
Ok so that's pretty fucking awful right? The soul-crushing kind of thing that makes you feel like there is no point in ever trusting anyone ever again, not that you ever could.
So I asked her how in the world she was able to get through this. By the way, I had never seen her destroyed about this. As I'm asking her this question, she looks completely at peace, sipping on her latte. She smiled, and said she was just positive.
"BUT HOW!" I wailed. "I mean seriously, I get that you are naturally optimistic, but when something like this happens, how can you seriously be upbeat about it?"
"I wasn't, obviously," she confessed, finally making me feel like she is 1/16th human. "I wanted to just lay in my bed under my covers, away from sunlight, and people, and real life. But I didn't let myself do that. I didn't let myself wallow in self-pity. I forced myself to get dressed up and go to work with a huge smile on my face, forcing myself to get through pain with laughter. I forced myself to believe that he is the dumbest idiot to have ever walked the face of the earth to leave me, and that I would find someone infinitely better than him who would appreciate me. I envisioned the life that I wanted, and I wanted to be happy, so I made myself be happy until one day, I really was."
Fascinating.
Fake it til you make it. What a theory. It's the same sort of idea as that Secret book thing.
So I figured why not? Let's try this. I decided I would be happy and positive, and tell myself that things are going great for me, and overlook what isn't.
And let me tell you, it's better than I expected. Because I expect bad things, get it? But seriously, these people may be on to something here, because I felt happier and good things really did happen to me. Now, it wasn't long until my negative nancy side kicked in; I guess old habits die hard.
But my point is, try this: list all the things in your life that you are happy about, and then smile. And then think about something you're not happy with, and envision the way you want it to be. List the steps you need to take in order for you to achieve this. Now think of a step you can take right now, and plan to do it, and think about how this will be helpful. Remember, you are in control of your happiness, its not destiny, its your actions and attitude.
And here's another tip that's helped me: stop moaning to your friends and family and everyone who will listen about negative things in your life. Not only do you bring negative energy to them and are annoying as fuck, it's bringing you down as well. My girlfriends and I have a tendency to talk about our boy problems, and sometimes it does help to talk to someone for sure, but then other times it's just counter intuitive, because girls are bitchy and don't help the situation a lot of the time. So one day, I had a fight with my boyfriend and I was really sad and mad and felt like crying while eating a whole cheesecake, and my friend asked me how things were with him. I decided I didn't want to start this vicious cycle again, so I told her everything was really great and gushed about our weekend plans (unexistant) and she smiled and told me how awesome that was. And it just made me feel better. Like yeah, things are awesome, because I believe they are.
Now, I am not saying that doing something like that will make you feel amazingly happy, but guess what? It's better than continuing to be unhappy and negative. So instead of just accepting the things that are bad in your life, accept the fact that you can help yourself, and do it.
Friday, September 26, 2014
State of Impermanence
I read an article the other day, something or other about relationship advice, and one of the points made was to remember that even though you may choose to spend the rest of your life with the person you're with, there is no forever. So basically the point was Carpe Diem, or the way it is more elegantly referred to these days, YOLO. And it got me to thinking.
What is the perfect balance between doing the things that you may not want to do, but need to do in life in order to survive and thrive, and doing the things that you want, that you will regret not doing on your death bed.
Basically, how much should you YOLO in life?
I am a person that, as a result of my mother's death, has been very aware of the state of impermanence in life. Before she died, I had that naive notion that neither I nor anybody I love could ever die, because that's just not how it worked. Death was supposed to be as portrayed in after-school series, where you're old and gray and surrounded by all of your family on your death bed. And you say goodbye to them all, smile one last smile, and peacefully fade away.
But then my mother died at 38 from a mysterious blood disease, within a week. No explanation, no time to prepare, no mercy. And then, aside from the crushing pain and guilt that I felt for all of my short comings as a daughter, I started to feel paranoid. I was prepared for everyone in my life to die at any moment, almost expecting it. Seriously, if my dad did not call me back within a day, I was actually preparing myself to hear news of his death. One time, my boyfriend was an hour late to my house after work and he was not picking up his cell phone, so I sat and thought of all the different ways he could have died. Like, death was the FIRST thing I thought happened. Not that there was traffic because it was rush hour, not that he got caught up talking to some coworkers after work, not that he had someone on the side, or even that he got hurt in any amount less than death.
It might sound ridiculous to you, but if you really think about it, death is about as real as it gets. It is literally the one and only thing we are guaranteed in this fickle bitch of life. So me thinking that everyone around me was dying wasn't really that crazy, because hypothetically, they all are. What is pretty crazy is how I was never worried about myself dying. I never really considered the possibility that what happened to my mom might be genetic and happen to me just the same. Even last year when I was told that I have abnormal cells that can turn to cancer at any point in time, I might have been freaked, but I could never truly accept that something like that could happen to ME. Because Jesus, I am a young and healthy white person living in a first world nation, I am no where near my after-school series death.
It's amazing, isn't it? The erroneously egotistical nature of our evolution. Even though we might not say it out loud, we believe we are way more attractive than we actually are, we believe we should have any and everything we want in life; that we are essentially indestructible. Even when told that that are ONE HUNDRED BILLION galaxies in the observable universe, and that, in our galaxy alone there are conceivably up to THREE TRILLION PLANETS, and we are literally a speck of dust and our lives are basically of no concrete relevance other than to produce more irrelevant life, EVEN THEN, we still have the amazing audacity to believe we are incredibly unique, that there is no other life form like us out there, and that we have the right to MATTER.
But really, I'm not trying to knock evolution or its methods. I understand that there would be no point to creating life forms that were constantly super aware that they will die and are worthless. I just think our existence is wrought with the contradicting notions. On one hand, we are taught to live our lives by structure, according to societal expectations, which is why we go bankrupt pursuing education in hopes of a better job, after which we work for up to 50 years to have enough money to sustain our lives and have the financial freedom to do things we want. On the other hand, for most, our lives outside of work are much more meaningful to us, and we would love to have the means to be able to YOLO much more, and just do the things we want in general, but we can't/don't.
Well, I personally like to think that I have a pretty ok balance of work and play, but there is no doubt that I will always be more in pursuit of the things that make me happy than obsessed with work. Unless the work makes me happy, in which case double win. It's just that, all those long hours spent working over time instead of with the ones who love you are not going to be there for you when you need someone. When I'm on my deathbed, I am going to think about all the amazing trips I took traveling the world, not about all the paperwork I was able to accomplish. If you feel truly unhappy with your life and you know deep down that this is not what you want, it really may be time to realize that you could die any day now, and that you have the option to die happy.
It's fine to give your life purpose by doing work and keeping busy, especially if your work is helping others, but, as evolution intended to do, remember to help yourself to be happy, because you might only be a speck of dust, but there's no other speck of dust like you.
What is the perfect balance between doing the things that you may not want to do, but need to do in life in order to survive and thrive, and doing the things that you want, that you will regret not doing on your death bed.
Basically, how much should you YOLO in life?
I am a person that, as a result of my mother's death, has been very aware of the state of impermanence in life. Before she died, I had that naive notion that neither I nor anybody I love could ever die, because that's just not how it worked. Death was supposed to be as portrayed in after-school series, where you're old and gray and surrounded by all of your family on your death bed. And you say goodbye to them all, smile one last smile, and peacefully fade away.
But then my mother died at 38 from a mysterious blood disease, within a week. No explanation, no time to prepare, no mercy. And then, aside from the crushing pain and guilt that I felt for all of my short comings as a daughter, I started to feel paranoid. I was prepared for everyone in my life to die at any moment, almost expecting it. Seriously, if my dad did not call me back within a day, I was actually preparing myself to hear news of his death. One time, my boyfriend was an hour late to my house after work and he was not picking up his cell phone, so I sat and thought of all the different ways he could have died. Like, death was the FIRST thing I thought happened. Not that there was traffic because it was rush hour, not that he got caught up talking to some coworkers after work, not that he had someone on the side, or even that he got hurt in any amount less than death.
It might sound ridiculous to you, but if you really think about it, death is about as real as it gets. It is literally the one and only thing we are guaranteed in this fickle bitch of life. So me thinking that everyone around me was dying wasn't really that crazy, because hypothetically, they all are. What is pretty crazy is how I was never worried about myself dying. I never really considered the possibility that what happened to my mom might be genetic and happen to me just the same. Even last year when I was told that I have abnormal cells that can turn to cancer at any point in time, I might have been freaked, but I could never truly accept that something like that could happen to ME. Because Jesus, I am a young and healthy white person living in a first world nation, I am no where near my after-school series death.
It's amazing, isn't it? The erroneously egotistical nature of our evolution. Even though we might not say it out loud, we believe we are way more attractive than we actually are, we believe we should have any and everything we want in life; that we are essentially indestructible. Even when told that that are ONE HUNDRED BILLION galaxies in the observable universe, and that, in our galaxy alone there are conceivably up to THREE TRILLION PLANETS, and we are literally a speck of dust and our lives are basically of no concrete relevance other than to produce more irrelevant life, EVEN THEN, we still have the amazing audacity to believe we are incredibly unique, that there is no other life form like us out there, and that we have the right to MATTER.
But really, I'm not trying to knock evolution or its methods. I understand that there would be no point to creating life forms that were constantly super aware that they will die and are worthless. I just think our existence is wrought with the contradicting notions. On one hand, we are taught to live our lives by structure, according to societal expectations, which is why we go bankrupt pursuing education in hopes of a better job, after which we work for up to 50 years to have enough money to sustain our lives and have the financial freedom to do things we want. On the other hand, for most, our lives outside of work are much more meaningful to us, and we would love to have the means to be able to YOLO much more, and just do the things we want in general, but we can't/don't.
Well, I personally like to think that I have a pretty ok balance of work and play, but there is no doubt that I will always be more in pursuit of the things that make me happy than obsessed with work. Unless the work makes me happy, in which case double win. It's just that, all those long hours spent working over time instead of with the ones who love you are not going to be there for you when you need someone. When I'm on my deathbed, I am going to think about all the amazing trips I took traveling the world, not about all the paperwork I was able to accomplish. If you feel truly unhappy with your life and you know deep down that this is not what you want, it really may be time to realize that you could die any day now, and that you have the option to die happy.
It's fine to give your life purpose by doing work and keeping busy, especially if your work is helping others, but, as evolution intended to do, remember to help yourself to be happy, because you might only be a speck of dust, but there's no other speck of dust like you.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Why tho?
I thought it might be appropriate to start off my new blog by answering the question of why I would want to start a blog. Not because I think it's interesting but because I am genuinely wondering what is up with me..
Just kidding. I have always liked writing so this isn't weird for me, I am just this weird.
Is it weird to have a blog?
Lord knows. I suppose I could be spending my time in the pursuit of something more productive like doing something French related. Ugh kill me. Ok I swear I'm going to watch that masturbation French movie on Netflix right after I'm done here. I mean seriously, the French movies Netflix has to offer are such shit. Its either about sex or Amelie lol because obviously.
Or I suppose one would argue that I could have blogged in French to make it more worthwhile...but fuck it I can't even string two sentences together in French let alone blog. I imagine someone French looking at my French blog and posting it to their Facebook with the caption "Hilarious fail of some bitch trying to speak French", which would only be seen as funnier still when they find out I am a certified French teacher. Huh huh huh (French laugh).
Whatever. I know I am in fact good at French and I am damn passionate about it, it's just that I need experience and to get my foot in the door and blah blah blah but I'm frustrated so deal with it because this is my f-ing blog!
So anyways, I digress, let's get back to the matter at hand; why blog?
Well, I guess the best answer would be that writing is therapeutic to me. It is. I feel better when I write my thoughts down and I can dissect them. I understand myself better this way. Especially when I am overreacting. It seems much more clear how ridiculous you're being when you read your thoughts.
Also, I have opinions on things. Yes, amazing but true; a female that has an opinion.
And I also like to write my opinions down, probably because they are so damn good.
And I like going back and reading things I wrote years later, so strange to see how much we have changed yet are so much the same.
So I guess this blog will be multi-purpose; I will be writing about any topic that pops into my head, as well as my feelings sometimes because I can't get away from those. So I guess we will see what comes out.
Just kidding. I have always liked writing so this isn't weird for me, I am just this weird.
Is it weird to have a blog?
Lord knows. I suppose I could be spending my time in the pursuit of something more productive like doing something French related. Ugh kill me. Ok I swear I'm going to watch that masturbation French movie on Netflix right after I'm done here. I mean seriously, the French movies Netflix has to offer are such shit. Its either about sex or Amelie lol because obviously.
Or I suppose one would argue that I could have blogged in French to make it more worthwhile...but fuck it I can't even string two sentences together in French let alone blog. I imagine someone French looking at my French blog and posting it to their Facebook with the caption "Hilarious fail of some bitch trying to speak French", which would only be seen as funnier still when they find out I am a certified French teacher. Huh huh huh (French laugh).
Whatever. I know I am in fact good at French and I am damn passionate about it, it's just that I need experience and to get my foot in the door and blah blah blah but I'm frustrated so deal with it because this is my f-ing blog!
So anyways, I digress, let's get back to the matter at hand; why blog?
Well, I guess the best answer would be that writing is therapeutic to me. It is. I feel better when I write my thoughts down and I can dissect them. I understand myself better this way. Especially when I am overreacting. It seems much more clear how ridiculous you're being when you read your thoughts.
Also, I have opinions on things. Yes, amazing but true; a female that has an opinion.
And I also like to write my opinions down, probably because they are so damn good.
And I like going back and reading things I wrote years later, so strange to see how much we have changed yet are so much the same.
So I guess this blog will be multi-purpose; I will be writing about any topic that pops into my head, as well as my feelings sometimes because I can't get away from those. So I guess we will see what comes out.
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