I read an article the other day, something or other about relationship advice, and one of the points made was to remember that even though you may choose to spend the rest of your life with the person you're with, there is no forever. So basically the point was Carpe Diem, or the way it is more elegantly referred to these days, YOLO. And it got me to thinking.
What is the perfect balance between doing the things that you may not want to do, but need to do in life in order to survive and thrive, and doing the things that you want, that you will regret not doing on your death bed.
Basically, how much should you YOLO in life?
I am a person that, as a result of my mother's death, has been very aware of the state of impermanence in life. Before she died, I had that naive notion that neither I nor anybody I love could ever die, because that's just not how it worked. Death was supposed to be as portrayed in after-school series, where you're old and gray and surrounded by all of your family on your death bed. And you say goodbye to them all, smile one last smile, and peacefully fade away.
But then my mother died at 38 from a mysterious blood disease, within a week. No explanation, no time to prepare, no mercy. And then, aside from the crushing pain and guilt that I felt for all of my short comings as a daughter, I started to feel paranoid. I was prepared for everyone in my life to die at any moment, almost expecting it. Seriously, if my dad did not call me back within a day, I was actually preparing myself to hear news of his death. One time, my boyfriend was an hour late to my house after work and he was not picking up his cell phone, so I sat and thought of all the different ways he could have died. Like, death was the FIRST thing I thought happened. Not that there was traffic because it was rush hour, not that he got caught up talking to some coworkers after work, not that he had someone on the side, or even that he got hurt in any amount less than death.
It might sound ridiculous to you, but if you really think about it, death is about as real as it gets. It is literally the one and only thing we are guaranteed in this fickle bitch of life. So me thinking that everyone around me was dying wasn't really that crazy, because hypothetically, they all are. What is pretty crazy is how I was never worried about myself dying. I never really considered the possibility that what happened to my mom might be genetic and happen to me just the same. Even last year when I was told that I have abnormal cells that can turn to cancer at any point in time, I might have been freaked, but I could never truly accept that something like that could happen to ME. Because Jesus, I am a young and healthy white person living in a first world nation, I am no where near my after-school series death.
It's amazing, isn't it? The erroneously egotistical nature of our evolution. Even though we might not say it out loud, we believe we are way more attractive than we actually are, we believe we should have any and everything we want in life; that we are essentially indestructible. Even when told that that are ONE HUNDRED BILLION galaxies in the observable universe, and that, in our galaxy alone there are conceivably up to THREE TRILLION PLANETS, and we are literally a speck of dust and our lives are basically of no concrete relevance other than to produce more irrelevant life, EVEN THEN, we still have the amazing audacity to believe we are incredibly unique, that there is no other life form like us out there, and that we have the right to MATTER.
But really, I'm not trying to knock evolution or its methods. I understand that there would be no point to creating life forms that were constantly super aware that they will die and are worthless. I just think our existence is wrought with the contradicting notions. On one hand, we are taught to live our lives by structure, according to societal expectations, which is why we go bankrupt pursuing education in hopes of a better job, after which we work for up to 50 years to have enough money to sustain our lives and have the financial freedom to do things we want. On the other hand, for most, our lives outside of work are much more meaningful to us, and we would love to have the means to be able to YOLO much more, and just do the things we want in general, but we can't/don't.
Well, I personally like to think that I have a pretty ok balance of work and play, but there is no doubt that I will always be more in pursuit of the things that make me happy than obsessed with work. Unless the work makes me happy, in which case double win. It's just that, all those long hours spent working over time instead of with the ones who love you are not going to be there for you when you need someone. When I'm on my deathbed, I am going to think about all the amazing trips I took traveling the world, not about all the paperwork I was able to accomplish. If you feel truly unhappy with your life and you know deep down that this is not what you want, it really may be time to realize that you could die any day now, and that you have the option to die happy.
It's fine to give your life purpose by doing work and keeping busy, especially if your work is helping others, but, as evolution intended to do, remember to help yourself to be happy, because you might only be a speck of dust, but there's no other speck of dust like you.
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