I'm going to say something that you would probably never say out loud because it makes you seem way less attractive and successful; I am naturally a negative person.
I am. Half way empty all the way. I expect bad things to happen and, when they do happen, I dwell on them like it's my job.
When did this start? I don't know; somewhere in my childhood. We struggled a lot when we came to Canada. My mom was also a natural worrier and negative person, and she was having a really tough time adjusting to life here and finding a job, since she didn't know English and her degree wasn't recognized here. Her unhappiness pissed my dad off, since he loved to remind her of how ungrateful she was to him for bringing us here to have a better life. This all resulted in constant fighting, which affected me. And of course I didn't have any siblings to talk to or distract me; I was very aware of the negativity.
And I guess I have been let down so many times that I just expect it. The thing is that, I think it hurts so much more to be let down when you really didn't see it coming, than when you were expecting it. And so I came to just naturally expect bad things to happen, as a defense mechanism. And then if something good actually happened, that was just a bonus.
But surprisingly, Canadian society doesn't much appreciate my acceptance that everything and everyone in my life is against me and out to destroy me.
Recently, I asked one of my Canadian friends how she dealt with her break-up. Now, this break-up was bad. Not just a 'ran-its-course' amicable separation. She had been with this guy for 5 years, and he told her he was saving up to buy her a ring. He was acting very strange for a couple of weeks, seemingly trying to avoid her by saying he's too busy to see her. Then one day, he told her he would come by her apartment after work because he needed to tell her something important. Optimistic, she thought, 'This was why he was acting so strangely; he's going to propose!' Because she's the type that expects good things to actually happen. She rushed home and got dressed to the nines, did her hair and make up beautifully, so they could take pictures and send them to their family and friends and Facebook announcing their engagement. She even told a couple of her friends and her sister that it looks like he's going to finally pop the big q!
Unfortunately, this was not the case. He got to her house, drunk and looking like a sewer rat. He said he had been a mess for the past few days, constantly drinking, because he couldn't face her. The important thing he had to tell her was that he slept with someone from work a few months ago, which he thought would be a one-night stand, but gradually has turned into more, and now he thinks he's in love with her. So no engagement, no ring, no Facebook envy, all that make up and curling your hair for NOTHING.
Ok so that's pretty fucking awful right? The soul-crushing kind of thing that makes you feel like there is no point in ever trusting anyone ever again, not that you ever could.
So I asked her how in the world she was able to get through this. By the way, I had never seen her destroyed about this. As I'm asking her this question, she looks completely at peace, sipping on her latte. She smiled, and said she was just positive.
"BUT HOW!" I wailed. "I mean seriously, I get that you are naturally optimistic, but when something like this happens, how can you seriously be upbeat about it?"
"I wasn't, obviously," she confessed, finally making me feel like she is 1/16th human. "I wanted to just lay in my bed under my covers, away from sunlight, and people, and real life. But I didn't let myself do that. I didn't let myself wallow in self-pity. I forced myself to get dressed up and go to work with a huge smile on my face, forcing myself to get through pain with laughter. I forced myself to believe that he is the dumbest idiot to have ever walked the face of the earth to leave me, and that I would find someone infinitely better than him who would appreciate me. I envisioned the life that I wanted, and I wanted to be happy, so I made myself be happy until one day, I really was."
Fascinating.
Fake it til you make it. What a theory. It's the same sort of idea as that Secret book thing.
So I figured why not? Let's try this. I decided I would be happy and positive, and tell myself that things are going great for me, and overlook what isn't.
And let me tell you, it's better than I expected. Because I expect bad things, get it? But seriously, these people may be on to something here, because I felt happier and good things really did happen to me. Now, it wasn't long until my negative nancy side kicked in; I guess old habits die hard.
But my point is, try this: list all the things in your life that you are happy about, and then smile. And then think about something you're not happy with, and envision the way you want it to be. List the steps you need to take in order for you to achieve this. Now think of a step you can take right now, and plan to do it, and think about how this will be helpful. Remember, you are in control of your happiness, its not destiny, its your actions and attitude.
And here's another tip that's helped me: stop moaning to your friends and family and everyone who will listen about negative things in your life. Not only do you bring negative energy to them and are annoying as fuck, it's bringing you down as well. My girlfriends and I have a tendency to talk about our boy problems, and sometimes it does help to talk to someone for sure, but then other times it's just counter intuitive, because girls are bitchy and don't help the situation a lot of the time. So one day, I had a fight with my boyfriend and I was really sad and mad and felt like crying while eating a whole cheesecake, and my friend asked me how things were with him. I decided I didn't want to start this vicious cycle again, so I told her everything was really great and gushed about our weekend plans (unexistant) and she smiled and told me how awesome that was. And it just made me feel better. Like yeah, things are awesome, because I believe they are.
Now, I am not saying that doing something like that will make you feel amazingly happy, but guess what? It's better than continuing to be unhappy and negative. So instead of just accepting the things that are bad in your life, accept the fact that you can help yourself, and do it.
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